The level of difficulty to get through the day as a mother does not even need to be said. It is what it is! As a mother of two, ages 11 and 8, I have experienced the difficulty of remaining calm and grounded throughout the day. It doesn’t help that I always wanted to be “that mom.” Calm in the face of conflict, screaming children, and dirty diapers, but I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t be her. A lot of that was because I was in denial. I was striving to be the perfect mom and in so doing I started to wreak havoc on everyone around me, unknowingly. Staying present was the last thing on my mind. I was focused on every little thing that needed to get done, all the things to buy, bills to pay, then I saved myself for last. This is common among mothers, but it doesn’t have to be.
As a mother who deals with mental illness (depression, anxiety, ADHD, and BPD) I’m capable of losing myself real quick in the mess of life. I stayed home for 7 years with my kids then eventually ended up going back to work. I know both sides of the coin. Staying in the present moment is nearly impossible with mental illness. I had to prioritize myself or drown. I had to flip the script. The script told me the kids and my husband and the church, and work, and everything else comes first. Then when everything is perfectly done, I can care for myself. Self-care usually looked like numbing out on tv or scrolling my phone when I got the chance. This served as a good distraction sometimes and a break, but it didn’t restore my emotions, sanity, or physically health. You might want to be present but what does that look like? Being present looks feels like being in your own skin. Being aware of the smells in the air, the weight of the baby you are holding, the gentle rocking of the chair. Taking deep breaths as you drive to the store or a play date. Recognizing your emotions. Are you irritable? If so, what’s causing it? Is it their playing loud or the fact that you are two days without consistent sleep and eating well. This awareness serves as a guide to what you need to focus on for your self-care. As I transitioned to putting myself first and figuring out what that even means, I learned a few key ways to become more centered as a mother and ultimately as a person.
6 Ways to Stay Present as a mom
- Be where your feet are: This is practicing mindfulness. When you are standing at the sink doing dishes, notice the support and pressure under your feet. Notice any tightness in your hips or lower back and feel your hands as they hold the brush to scrub the dish. When you wake up in the morning, instead of rushing out of bed or even on the way to your kids room to get them up, take deep breaths into your gut and exhale deeply.
- Schedule Quiet Time: If you’re like me you are tempted to veg out. I learned the hard way that this wasn’t self-care but was numbing and dissociating from reality. My reality was hard and I thought I earned several hours at night on tiktok or binging a show. Don’t I deserve it? But this wasn’t helping me. True quiet time is a bit uncomfortable. As moms we long for quiet, but then when we have it, we think of all the things we need to do. Quiet time is scheduled specifically to not be noiseless on the outside necessarily. This can be a few minutes to drink your coffee and read your bible, or read a book. This looks like journaling or sitting outside in the morning before the kids get up.
- Rest: Because of my mental illness, I’m persistently restless and irritable. I avoid this uncomfortable feeling by either keeping busy or numbing. Many times I found that I just needed a nap to reset my nervous system. I started sleeping when the kids napped, if I couldn’t I’d sleep for thirty minutes when my husband got home from work. I had to sleep to function!
- Prayer & Meditation: Prayer is grounding in nature. It brings you into the moment. Either a stressful moment whereby you’re asking for strength, or a peaceful moment where you give thanks. Meditation is helpful, even five minutes, to calm your racing thoughts and nervous system.
- Rituals: These activities listed above could all be a ritual you perform each day or you could incorporate something else that could be helpful. My ritual is to make my coffee in the morning, study my bible, pray, and journal. I also journal at night to track my day and mood.
- Make things easier: This might be obvious, but we don’t do it. We have parenting habits that were passed down to us, told to us, or we picked up but are not always helpful. If you can make things easier, do it. Parenting young children is only for a season of your life. Make things simple and easy. Order out once a week for dinner so neither of you have to cook. Order a cleaning service, get the expensive easy stroller, get meal prepping bowls, order everything you can through Amazon, Walmart, or Instacart. Ask for help. Don’t be shy or prideful, ask a friend to watch the kids so you can nap. Just make it easier on yourself. This is especially good for moms with mental illness who have less resilience to handle all the things necessary to keep a household running.
Things that will prevent you from being present are scrolling through social media, watching too much tv, sleeping too much or too little, eating junk food that makes you feel bad, lacking movement in your day, being perfectionistic, overthinking, and idealizing yourself and your life. Take baby steps, try new things each week and see what works!