For many of us connection doesn’t come easily. Its said that 33% of Americans claim to feel lonely in their life. Add in codependency, addiction, mental health issues, and many other factors and we find ourselves without friends and consistent connection.
In this, we know what it means to live without connection. We experience loneliness, sadness, depression, and touch deprivation. When we deal with ongoing recovery from codependency and love addiction/love avoidance things can get even more complicated. Then we can find ourselves in a slew of relationships that are both overwhelming and lacking, chaotic and unfulfilling, draining, and abusive. Depending on the day, we might be the one displaying toxic behaviors. We can get caught up in cycle after cycle of broken relationships with very good intentions of making this next one different.
But what does it mean to live with connection. The truth is found in reality. Often we have a fantastical version of events and behaviors we have in mind for our friend or partner. We don’t mean for it to be this way; we didn’t wake up and say “today I’m going to make up my ideal person to love me and be mine.” No, this in fact comes from a long history of relationship patterns and trauma bonds. So then how do we know when were in reality in a relationship? How do we know were seeing things clearly. Here are a few signs.
- Fact check – What does your gut say? Yes, our gut can be our guide and often times we are ignoring what it’s telling us about a person or relationship. Make a list of pro’s and cons, write down signs of consistency. Look for healthy behaviors, habits, and words.
- Be Honest – Rigorous honesty is a part of recovery. In truth and honesty you find freedom and meaning. It can be difficult and might go against our less honest patterns of behaviour.
- Be Open – Real relationships won’t look like your fantasized version. They might be calmer, lowkey, subtle acts of affection and care, less dramatic, sober, intentional, and truthful. Just because it doesn’t look like your usual relationship, doesn’t mean its not as good, in fact, it might be better and healthier. Be open to things looking different than how they usually look in appearance and behavior.
Overall, the key to connection is intention. We sometimes make connection out to be a gift that some acquire due to luck, but this is not so. It is a discipline, a practice and compilation of recovery tools, working your program, opening yourself, and meeting people where they are. Intentionally seeking healthier relationships, healthier dynamics, and yourself being a healthier person for that relationship. The great news is that if it is not a gift, it can be acquired by anyone who puts it into practice. How can you change your narrative about connection right now? It’s attainable to you, follow your gut, follow your heart and see where it leads you.